The Wesleyan Argus | 50 Horror Movies Reviewed In One Sentence Each

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c/o Wikipedia

I have never seen “The Lion King”. I have never seen “Pulp Fiction”. I’ve never seen ‘Star Wars’, or ‘Star Trek’, or ‘The Parent Trap’, or ‘Forrest Gump’, or ‘The Godfather’, or ‘Clueless’, or ‘Groundhog Day’, or any Other Iconic Movies My Parents Tell Me I Need to Watch. However, I have seen 50 horror movies. Here are my completely subjective and convoluted reviews of each of them.

I would recommend everyone to watch:

  1. “Get Out” (2017) has to be the movie to start this ranking. I’m a huge fan of Jordan Peele; these three are truly my holy trinity. If you haven’t seen “Get Out”, what are you waiting for?
  2. “We” (2019) is terrifying. I loved it so much that after watching it for the first time, I immediately saw it again the next day.
  3. “No” (2022) is such a unique take on what aliens might look like on Earth. It includes all the parts of an incredible horror movie: horses, a killer chimpanzee and Steven Yeun in a cowboy costume. Plus, Keke Palmer is phenomenal.
  4. “Jennifer’s Body” (2009) is a film for homosexuals. However, it loses a few points in my head because I can’t watch it without remembering that Jennifer (Megan Fox) married Machine Gun Kelly.
  5. “The Descent” (2005) is one of my favorite movies. Probably because I was a gay college kid and it’s a movie about six women rock climbing.
  6. “Cabin in the Woods” (2012) is another movie that I think I enjoy more than the general population, but I’m a sucker for a good comedy horror. Plus, a Wesleyan performance of Bradley Whitford ’81!
  7. “Fear Street Part One: 1994” (2021) combines 90s nostalgia, sapphism, and just the right amount of campiness in one of my favorite recent horror films.
  8. “Fear Street Part Two: 1978” (2021) was somehow even better than its predecessor, in my opinion. Something about summer camp makes it the perfect setting for a bloody murder.
  9. “28 Days Later” (2003) has multiple endings and multiple girlfriends.
  10. “Saw” (2004) inspired me that everyone in this film is gay, as well as my other view that it is without irony one of the greatest horror films of all time .
  11. “Train to Busan” (2016) will end with you in tears.
  12. “Hereditary” (2018) made me shake, shake, cry and fear for my life. One of the rare films where I couldn’t bring myself to look at the screen during certain scenes as I was terrified.
  13. “A Classic Horror Story” (2021) is another film that I enjoyed so much that I watched it again the next day. It has lots of fun twists and is anything but a classic horror story.

Iconic and classic horror movies that are worth watching, but haven’t fundamentally changed my world:

c/o IMDB

c/o IMDB

  1. “Scream” (1996) is a movie I remember loving when I first watched it in college. Now, if you asked me to recall a single scene after the premiere, I don’t think I could.
  2. “The Texas Chain Saw Massacre” (1974) is only 83 minutes long, so even if you hate it, you’re only wasting a little over an hour of your life hating it. I’m not saying I hated it, but even if I did, it wouldn’t have had a monumental impact on my life.
  3. “The Ring” (2002) didn’t resonate with me personally because I’m not afraid of a little girl, even if she can backbend.
  4. “The Silence of the Lambs” (1991) is one of my childhood friend’s father was in this film. See if you can guess which one it was.
  5. “Nightmare on Elm Street” (1984) is only Wolverine if he used his powers for evil.
  6. “The Blair Witch Project” (1999) is a recent rewatch that pleasantly surprised me. I didn’t find the characters as boring as on my first watch, and the ending was scarier than I remembered. Plus, I’m a sucker for representing Maryland.
  7. “The Sixth Sense” (1999) is a must if you want to understand the hype of M. Night Shyamalan. Watch “Split” (2016) if you want to understand the death of M. Night Shyamalan’s hype.
  8. “The Shining” (1980) is scary. It’s frightening. It’s not my favorite movie in the world, but it’s also essential, foundational horror.
  9. “The Purge” (2013) inspired fan theories that the best Purge strategy is more entertaining than the actual movie.
  10. “The Conjuring” (2013) is awesome! I can admit it’s a good movie. But I feel so ambivalent about it that there’s no other way for me to describe it than as a good movie.

The good, the bad and the ugly: remakes and sequels

  1. “Saw II” (2005) is good if you’re the type of person who likes an escape room. Bad if you’re looking for a decent horror movie.
  2. “Saw III” (2006) is not worth watching.
  3. “The Forever Purge” (2021) boldly asks: does anyone still watch these movies? If so, do you really like them?
  4. ‘Texas Chainsaw Massacre’ (2022) is exactly what you’d expect from a Texas Chainsaw Massacre movie made in 2022. Elsie K. Fisher finally graduates ‘Eighth Grade’ (2018) comes out as gay and starts serial fighting killers.
  5. “It” (2017), with all the peace and love for Stephen King fanatics, just doesn’t do it for me.
  6. “Carrie” (2013) forces me to contradict myself immediately, because Stephen King kind of killed this one. Heartwarming movie for teenage girls with mommy (me) issues.
  7. ‘The Descent 2’ (2009) isn’t worth watching unless you have a deep love for Prince Charming from ‘Once Upon A Time’ and are looking to see his entire filmography. Or have a deep hatred for him and want to see him get torn apart by flesh-eating monsters.

Movies that are better than average, but not quite in the must-watch category:

  1. “Candyman” (2021) is an amazing demonstration of how puppets can enhance a horror movie.
  2. The brilliance of “Bodies Bodies Bodies” (2022) is best described in our recent exam by editor Jem Shin ’23. Needless to say we both loved it.
  3. “Midsommar” (2019) asks if perhaps the real monster was white people all along.
  4. “The Babadook” (2014) can best be summed up by saying that the B in LGBT stands for Babadook, and the A in Babadook stands for Annoying little kid who spends half the movie screaming.
  5. “Zombieland” (2009) is a favorite of mine because, as mentioned before, I’m a sucker for a good comedy horror.

Environment:

  1. “They / Them” (2022) puts me in conflict. On the one hand, 99% of this cast is canonically LGBT+! On the other hand, 100% of this cast is canonically boring.
  2. “It Follows” (2015) is deeply disturbing. Don’t have sex or you will get pregnant and die.
  3. ‘A Quiet Place’ (2018) shows Jim from ‘The Office’ finally getting what he deserves (not John Krasinski, Jim).
  4. “Lights Out” (2016) was in the middle when I watched it in college and I don’t think my opinion would change if I saw it again now.
  5. “Truth or Dare” (2017) is riddled with plot holes. It’s not great, but it’s another good one for people who love escape rooms.
  6. “Truth or Dare” (2018) is an hour and 40 minute cautionary tale against watching popular vloggers.
  7. ‘Hush’ (2016) might be the only movie that gets scarier once the killer takes off the mask. Not only is he a killer, but he’s also ugly.
  8. “Black Phone” (2022) made me happy that they didn’t show anything weird.
  9. “As Above So Below” (2014) is a cautionary tale about the dangers of pursuing a higher education, describing the trials and tribulations of being a graduate student with a degree that has no practical use other than getting you killed .
  10. “Ma” (2019) hospitalized Octavia Spencer with back pain after carrying the whole movie on her shoulders.
  11. “Resident Evil” (2002) strikes the perfect balance between boring and entertaining, making it a fun movie to watch and a great movie to play in the background while you hook up with someone.
  12. “The VVitch” (2015) has Anya Taylor Joy living my dream life: flashing us with her bare ass, then floating through the moon.
c/o Wikipedia

c/o Wikipedia

Wrong:

  1. “Unfriended” (2015) is a movie I watched for the first time recently, I think just last semester. The only scene I remember is of a teenager putting his hand in a blender. What that says about the rest of the movie, you can interpret for yourself.
  2. “What Keeps You Alive” (2018) is a bad movie. Like, this is definitely not a good movie. However, watching it scratched an itch in my brain that I didn’t know I had, and for some inexplicable reason it still lives in my brain without rent. Watch out for evil lesbians.

Scooby-Doo: The Movie

  1. “Scooby Doo: The Movie” (2002) is not a horror film, but it is one of the best films of our time and should be watched by everyone.

Kat Struhar can be reached at [email protected].

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